Phone message from my Dad to me: Reason 8348392498403 why I love Laura

Mike had broken up with me! The nerve! He did it over the phone! He said that he just "wasn't having any fun anymore!" (I vaguely recall a rather heated argument over the hotness of Gwen Stefani.) I called my friend Laura's house afterwards (this was high school, pre-cell phone days), crying, but she wasn't home. Instead, I sobbed to Laura's mom, who asked me what was wrong. She had told me that there were, "plenty of more fish in the sea!" Very good advice, indeed!

Demerit Slip: Three Demerits for "Disrespect of authority" Who, ME?

Click on Demerit Slip to enlarge! Technology!

Letters from Japanese Pen Pal: Part Two

Dear Rachel,
Japan is warm, a little hot. I saw many movies in Golden Week. I saw "Star Wars Episode 1," "Deep End of the Ocean," and so on. I like "Star Wars" very much and I like Ewan Macleger very much. He is hot!!! Who do you like? "Brass" is a good movie, too. What movie do you like? I want to see "Green Mile."
Bye,
Love Lisa


Dear Rachel,
How was the prom? I wanted to see you when you wore a big formal dress. If you took pictures in prom, please show me. I think you were sooo sweet.
We can see the American movie almost several months later than you see them in U.S.A.
I want to see "The Green Mile" but I can't see it on video yet. Perhaps, I can see it on video a few months later. I like Tom Hanks (I don't know his name's spell). Apollo 13 is my favorite movie.
Bye
Love Lisa


Dear Rachel,
I couldn't write you for long time. Sorry.
I had to study for test. Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 16 years old.
When I finish the test, I'll write you email almost Everyday. [you BETTER, Lisa!]
Test begins next Monday.
Bye


Dear Rachel,
I'll have English words test tomorrow.
I have to study, but I don't want to do.
I saw Kabuki the day before yesterday. This was the first time for me. But had a exam, so I couldn't relax. [At the time, I could not relate to this at all. My schooling was so easy and such a joke at this point that I couldn't understand why she was so upset over an exam. Poor Lisa!]
My parents will take me to German and Switzerland in summer vacation for my birthday. [Okay, maybe I don't feel so bad for Lisa after all.]
What do you want for your birthday from your parents? [Twenty bucks? A hug?]
Bye,
Love Lisa




Can you tell which one is the Japanese girl? Because I can't.

Letters from a Japanese Pen Pal

In high school, a friend of mine went to a church that did a cultural exchange program where Japanese students came to America for a few days. My friend hooked up all of her closest friends with their own personal Japanese girl to take around school for a day! Let me tell you, this was like Heaven on Earth! MY OWN PERSONAL JAPANESE GIRL, people! I got to pick her out of a line up and everything.
Her name was Lisa and she was adorable! She had short hair and could not speak a lick of English. My friends and I each took our respective Japanese girl and had a big picnic outside, which I think the Japanese girls took to be some sort of American festival or ritual that was called, "Picnic lunch."

From a postcard, dated March 31, 2000

Dear Rachel,
Thank you very much for joyful time. I really enjoyed!!! It was so exciting. I like Picnic Lunch: I'll have that in Japan.
Thank you,
Lisa


We were pen pals for several years after that, up until college when we tried to go electronic but one day her email address stopped working. I might try to contact her again soon, having found her address on an envelope from my closet! She did, after all, mention allowing me to stay at her family's house, should I ever visit Japan. Do you think the offer still stands?
Some gems:

Dear Rachel,
Hi. How are you?
I'll eat lunch with friends who went to America together in pizza restaurant tomorrow. You can eat as much as you like for ten dollars at this restaurant, so perhaps I'll eat too much.
We have sports festival next month. I'm officer of sports festival, so I'm busy making preparations for it. Tomorrow is a holiday! It's Greenery Day (Birthday of Emperor Showa). A day to commune with Nature, to express thanks for its blessings.
We have another holidays too. We don't go to school for five days. We call these holidays "GOLDEN WEEK." What wonderful days they are!
My mom and dad bought a MD stereo for me. I really like it. When is your birthday. My birthday is June 1.
I want to go to America and meet you again.
Bye Bye.
Love,
Lisa

My sister's fourth grade Journal: Part Two. I swear it gets better

OK, if you were bored by the last Part, sorry, but I find it intriguing. It's about to spin out of control, though, and I suspect it is partly Shannon H's fault.

November 1, 1991
Today, Henry told me he liked me. I don't. I hate you Shannon! Your a geek! I hated your hair today. Do you like me? I don't care! What's Stephanie's number? Not telling. [I am confused, but I guess Shannon is also reading the journal and may have written, Not telling. I can't tell for sure though because the handwriting looks identical to my sister's.]

November 4, 1991
Someone I know has to have butt surgery. I still like you Shannon. But not as much. Call me tonight. Do you like Janine, Missy? I do. Henry doesn't like me anymore! Ya! Why don't you like me as much anymore? Yes- I do like Janine and Missy.

November 11, 1991
Dear Shannon,
Steve is very weird. He doesn't want a birthday. Without a birthday, he would stay very young. I know who he wants to marry.

November 13, 1991
Dear Shannon,
What are you doing Thursday? Can I go to your house? That person got her butt surgery. It took an hour. Imagine what they did! Why did you stick your tongue at me in line to go to Math?

November 19, 1991
Shannon "Hatey" H isn't here. Thank goodness.

March 16, 1991
Today for lunch I got Tuna boat, even though I hate it. In second grade we had everyone vote for a Student-of-the-Week. That was fun. Ah, the good old days. 31.5 gallons make a barrel.

Miss U: Why didn't you bring your lunch if you didn't like the choice?

March 30, 1991
Miss U was quiet today. NOT! She wasn't loud, but she wasn't quiet either.

April 1, 1991
Today was April Fool's Day. Only fools fall for practical jokes. Sometimes smart people do. My mom had a bad car accident yesterday. She is nearly paralyzed. APRIL FOOLS! Today was an ok day. Math was easy.

Miss U's response: April Fool's jokes are only good if they're funny. The one about your mother isn't funny at all.

April 29, 1991
Today we did the mile run. I got 8:19. That's the Presidential Award. Julie got a pretty perm.

January 12, 1992
I gave Todd my phone number. He threw it away. For Valentine's Day, I'm giving him a heart filled with conversation hearts. Love, R

Mega Gem Alert: My sister's fourth grade journal

Wow, this is such a find! Before you get all up in arms about my sister's privacy, please know that this is a journal that she kept for school, as an assignment. Her teacher, Miss U, collected the journals everyday and read them and returned them back to the students with comments after the entries. My sister seems to open up to rather easily to her and I suspect that the real purpose of the journal assignment was because Miss U was rather nosey. Please read further.

September 5th, 1991
I think I will like fourth grade because Miss U is nice. Today is a fun day, but our bus broke down this morning and we were late.

September 6, 1991
Today is going great. I bought vanilla ice cream. Miss U is really getting nicer. First recess I played with Josey and had fun. I have meet a new friend. Her name is I forget.

Miss U's response: I'm glad you're meeting new people.

September 11, 1991
Last night my dog got sick. My mom took him to the vet. The vet gave him something. Today my sister Rachel has soccer.

Miss U wrote: I hope your dog feels better today. Do you play any sports?

September 12, 1991
I don't play any sports. But when I get in middle school I'm going to do track.

September 17, 1991
Today I braided Rachel's hair and we're going to see the ballet on a bus (to Philly). When I play jump rope, I'm sometimes line patrol.

Miss U wrote: What's line patrol? Your ballet trip sounds like it will be fun.

September 19, 1991
Line patrol is just making sure everyone's in line and making sure people get they're turns. If there is no one holding the jump rople, I get someone to.

Miss U wrote: That's a good idea!

September 20, 1991
At second recess, I walked and talked with my new friend Melony. She's neat because I like her. Melony may be my only friend. Also I have Janine. Did you meet my twin sister yet? She's in your math class.

Miss U wrote: Yes, I know your sister! What class is Melony in? You'll make lots of friends this year!

September 30, 1991
Today is the last day of September. Did you like my twin sister's dalmation shirt she had on? I know Jessica (your first sister).

Miss U's response: Jessica is a cousin. [OUCH!] Your sister's shirt was nice.

October 7, 1991
Vanessa went home early because of pink eye. Julie also went home early. Tomorrow we have a Trooper Ash assembly. [Trooper Ash was a police man who came to schools and spoke about safety issues like wearing your seat belt! We all LOVED him! He was really entertaining, I kind of forget why though.]

Miss U: Julie didn't go home early yesterday- Heather did. [OUCH again! Miss U!]

October 9, 1991
On RIF Day [I believe this was Reading Is Fun] I'm going to be Neil Armstrong and my sister is going to be Buzz. [Pictures, please!] Today is the last day for the sub. Bye Bye Mr. Nice Guy!

Miss U, sounding a little defensive: I guess you liked your sub a lot. Your RIF Day outfits sound great!

October 10, 1991
Thanks Miss U. I liked doing the graphs. String Art is fun this month

Miss U's response, kind of bizarre, in my opinion: I'm glad you liked the graphs. I wish I didn't have to yell at the others though. That always puts me in a bad mood.

October 16, 1991
Do you like Freddy? My friend, Bethany, is mad at her friend. There's nothing really to talk about. Shannon is a liar.

Miss U's response, getting a bit gossipy I might add: Why is Shannon a liar? Which one?

October 17, 1991
I was kidding when I said Shannon is a liar. It is Shannon H. Today she told Steve I don't like him anymore. He said, "Good!"

Miss U: I'm glad you were kidding about Shannon! [But if it were the other Shannon, well then I wouldn't mind so much. HAHA JK!]

October 18, 1991
Today we got our pictures back. I look stupid. Shannon looks pretty.

Miss U: You don't look stupid! I think the pictures turned out nice! [Awww!]

October 21, 1991
Boring day. No one likes me. I had flute lessons. They were boring. Mr. Roberts is mean to me. Do journals get graded?

Miss U: I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Journals don't get graded. Have you been practicing your flute?

October 23, 1991
Yes, I have been practicing. I got to go to the bathroom. When Brooke comes back I go.

October 25, 1991
I liked the sub yesterday. Did you have a cold? If you didn't what did you have? There's nothing to talk about. Do you have a brother named John? Are you going to the Limerick Firehouse oyster and ham supper?

Miss U: John is my cousin. Do you know him? No, I'm not going to the Limerick Firehouse.

October 28, 1991
Your cousin gave the firehouse a donation. [How did my sister know this?]

Employee Training Program for The Hooters Girl: Part Two

Part Two: I can tell a man wrote this employee manual. A very, very stupid man.

To project the proper Hooters Girl image: "Always make sure uniform, hair, makeup are perfect."

"Suggestive descriptions to help customers visualize the food on the Hooters menu:
made fresh daily,
naturally fresh, [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?]
homemade, [How can something made at a Hooters restaurant be described as HOMEMADE?]
famous,
nearly world famous,
soon-to-be-world famous,
thick, bubbly
crunchy,
chunky,
over-sized."

To describe the "Hooterita:"

"Like a margarita, only different!" [OH, OK! NOW I get it! Different! As in, there are breasts floating in it, that kind of different, right?]

Employee Training Program for The Hooters Girl

Wow, what a FIND:

Gems from the training manual for a Hooters waitress. I did not make any of these up, I swear.

The Ten Commandments of a Hooters Girl:

1. Thou shalt always SMILE.

2. Thou shalt always greet arriving and departing guests and never place back towards front door. [What? Why not? I'm too lazy to find out right now... maybe one day.]

3. Thou shalt treat guests as they wish to be treated. [Boring.]

4. Thou shalt treat other staff as you wish to be treated. [Repetitive!]

5. Thou shalt always inform customers of promotions we are having. [Again, I'm too lazy to look into what they mean by "promotions."]

6. Thou shalt always suggest merchandise and follow proper procedures for obtaining it. [What are the improper procedures for obtaining it? Ew!]

7. Thou shalt always practice responsible alcohol service.

8. Thou shalt always arrive prepared for work. [by being under-dressed]

MY FAVORITE: 9.) Thou shalt always lives by FAT (Fun, Attitude, Teamwork) [Not by BEING fat, silly!]

10. Thou shalt always refer to commandment one. [I think they just couldn't think of a 10th one.]

Letter from my sister to her boyfriend- 9/21/1994, Pink Power Ranger Story

Dear Brian, dated 9/21/1994
Tomorrow, I have nowhere to sit for lunch (if Julie is still mad at me). Rachel is sitting at my table (not that I want her to)! [Unbeknownst to me, my own twin sister hated me!] How are you? Nikki called me. I don't know what she wanted. Every Wednesday from 7-8 pm I have Catechatical Class at church. That sucks. [Hallelujah!] Health tomorrow. Love, R.

OK, I've had enough fun at my sister's expense. Time for some laughing at me:

From a "Career Prep" project I had to do for my junior year in English class. The project included a journal to write my career aspirations and a speech. From the journal:

"I have chosen to be a film director and writer. [Wow, really? Sounds promising.] I choose this because I think it would be an exciting and different career to learn about. [Different!] Students can relate because they all watch movies." [Lazy!]

From a letter that I sent to the New York Film Academy, asking for information for my project:

"Dear Sirs and Madames:
I would like the following: 1.) a brochure on filmmaking workshops 2.) An interview with one of your experts [Sure, kid!]
I would appreciate this information asap, as I am on a deadline. [Where the heck did I get off saying something like that?]
Yours truly, R."

From my self-evaluation journal entry about my speech:

"Before my real presentation, I practiced in front of my homeroom. Mr. Moore told me to stop playing with my navel. [Disturbing.] Joe A. [pot head] told me to stop moving around and to 'just chill.' The Pink Power Ranger story [don't ask] is true! I love telling it! I really killed the crowd with my punchline. I was afraid no one would find it funny. I want to direct because I have stories to tell visually rather than trying to write them. My writing is pretty bad. The end." [Yes, you're writing IS pretty bad!]

I got a 95% on the project, even though I can tell I pretty much half-assed it. There definitely was no "expert interview." What's that you ask? You want to hear the Pink Power Ranger story? OK, it's not that great, I don't know why my classmates found it funny, but I do remember it as follows:

I pointed out in my speech that making a movie and watching a movie are two different things. Watching it is lots of fun, however, making one is long, difficult, and frustrating. Here is where I use a real-life example that sums up my experience with film production. I was "down the shore" (as we like to say in Philly, right, right?) in Jersey with my buddy, Laura, when we stumbled upon a film crew! Wowee! I ran up to check it out and asked some rubber neckers what the movie was. Apparently, it was a vampire flick [how ahead of its time!] that starred none other than THE PINK POWER RANGER, who, according to IMDB, is named Mary Jo Johnson, and was a big deal in 1999. Looking at her now, she was quite a looker! Also, from my IMDB research, I have discovered that the movie was most certainly, Cold Hearts, a movie about "a quiet town in New Jersey that possesses a dark secret. Viktoria has given her life and soul to the ways of the vampire. Now, after almost a decade of stealing blood from local hospitals and the occasional kill, Viktoria is more pessimistic than ever." Whoa- stealing blood from local hospitals! Heavy stuff.
Myself and a bunch of Jersey's finest stood outside of Pink Power Ranger's trailer, hoping for an autograph, but sadly, an assistant came out to inform us that she was tired and would be doing no such thing!
Regardless, my big "punchline" was that film production was so difficult, it could even tire out THE PINK POWER RANGER (who carried a Power Bow as a weapon and had the skills of a ninja)!!! HAHA Big laughs!
I also remember my friend, Laura, having been a bit sore at my attention towards the Pink Power Ranger. She was a Xena Warrior Princess lover and must have thought Pink Power Ranger did not measure up. In hindsight, she's right.

Gems from a messy childhood closet

There are a few advantages to being a pack-rat. That vintage Chicago t-shirt that I found in the attic was one of them! Another is a game I like to play when I visit my childhood room. It's called, "I will look through all the weird crap in my closet and crack up at what I find!"
My newest find: a note that my sister wrote to my mom, confessing something pretty serious!

Dear Mom,
There is something I must tell you. I want to quit twirling. I don't like it anymore. I don't really like S-F Rec or LeeAnn. But I do like flags! I would like to have more free time to do things I enjoy, like: homework [yeah right!], play field hockey [I don't recall my sister EVER having touched a field hockey stick in her life], read books and poetry [poetry- what a sensitive gal], talk on the telephone [duh], Prodigy [yep, Prodigy! The predecessor to AOL! My sister was online before ANYONE else. I had no clue what the hell it was, but it involved a password and a computer disc. It didn't interest me in the slightest bit. Oh, irony of ironies, as I write this, literally, by using the internet!], go to school sporting events, and S.A.D.D. [Bull shit! Students Against Drunk Driving? My sister should have had a career in PR, this is pretty brilliant.] I hope this note doesn't hurt you or anyone else. [This sentence, and this sentence alone, makes me feel guilty for posting this tender little note online. There was a time in my sister's life where she thought that quitting twirling a baton was the end of the world. Awww! I am so glad to not be 12 anymore.] Love, R.

YAY! I hope my sister doesn't hate me. Mostly because I have a lot more stuff from her coming up, in future editions of, "Gems from a messy childhood closet!" (Should that be capitalized? Hmm...)